Newport "City" in own-goal shokka!


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Well we did think of that when we did the cost plan but it turns out M&S, Debenhams and 32 pound shops turned out to have slightly better rental yield. But only just.

Welcometo the job that has been keeping me awake at night for a year. I'll give myself a good talking to and try harder next time!

I agree with Toby, cardiff has poor links from the east and Newport would make a great 8 lane motorway. Can´t be that hard to lay some tarmac (just don´t leave the egg in charge of it).

As for The Ryder cup, they have a great course in Llaneravon, 9 holes of delux golfing fantasy. little´s dad could let people park on his drive for 3 pound a day.

We can all spend the days collecting balls from the river and selling them back to the golfers.


See, I think all these theories could be combined into one "mega-theory", which I will refer to as The Future from here on in.

In The Future the world will realise that there is no need for Newport to exist. All of the pound shops will relocate to Pontypool, where rents are cheaper and valley types will be able to spend what's left of their Giro, after a visit to Farmfoods to argue and beat their children, with gay abandon.

Everyone wins. The folk of the valleys get bargains. The charities will have their coffers brimming with copper wealth and Newport will be fast becoming merely a tourist curiosity.

But that is easily fixed.

Next, in The Future, the Transporter Bridge will be moved to St Fagans where it will cross a picturesque stream to a mock up of a coal mine. In the picturesque stream, there will be a mock up of that boat they found in the mud. The ship itself will be on show in Portugal, where it came from following a protracted legal challenge in which the wankers in red ties intervene from Westminster and publically give in to unreasonable European demands for reasons which aren't immediately clear.

Finally, in The Future, M&S, Debenhams and the Dragons can relocate to a spangly new satellite retail park "on the outskirts of Cardiff, in the Wye valley". Very close to Terry Matthews' description of where the Celtic Manor is actually.

Then the Egg can begin the process of paving the place over and we can all forget the whole sorry experiment of moving the port from wherever it used to be.

Obviously there would be some minor fallout, the several hundred thousand people who live in Newport for example.

Well, this brings me on to one of my other schemes actually which ties in nicely with The Future. It's really a long term plan involving contraception and the water supply to large estates. Needless to say, when the plan comes to fruition there won't be hundreds of thousands of people.

But on the plus side, the bits which weren't providing access to Cardiff could be returned to their natural marshland state, appeaseing the wankers in red ties in Westminster and also people in kaftans who wear sandals (which don't leave a footprint in carbon). Which I'm sure we are all in agreement is all that matters these days.

So you see. For reasons that aren't immediately clear, my plan will succeed. Unless there's a change of government. Which I can't see Emperor To-Nee authorising (afterall, his wife says he still pulls the strings).


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