Jokes from the Edingburgh Festival

The top ten, as voted for by, errr, some group of people:

1. Zoe Lyons – "I can't believe Amy Winehouse self-harms. She's so irritating she must be able to find someone to do it for her." (11.65%)

2. Andrew Laurence – "Most of us have a skeleton in the cupboard. David Beckham takes his out in public." (10.10%)

3. Lloyd Langford – "My girlfriend said 'did you know that hippopotamuses kill more people every year than guns?' 'Yes,' I said, 'but a gun is easier to conceal." (9.90%)

4. Josie Long – "When I was a kid I asked my mum what a couple was and she said 'oh, two or three.' And she wonders why her marriage didn't work." (7.35%)

5. Tim Vine – "Velcro. What a rip-off." (6.10%)

6. Stephen Grant – "The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe - wouldn't it be easier just to talk to a woman?" (5.80%)

7. Edward Aczel – "So far Bird Flu has only killed 47 people. By the time it ends, it's going to have killed 37 million. It's got to get going, hasn't it, if it's going to be the pandemic we've all been hoping for." (5.60%)

8. Joan Rivers – "Grandchildren can be f**king annoying. How many times can you go 'And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink'? It's like talking to a supermodel." (3.75%)

9. Tom Stade – "I like Jesus but he loves me, so it's awkward." (3.55%)

10. Jeff Kreisler – "People were outraged because of Barack Obama's spiritual advisor. I think it's great he had one. Who was George Bush's spiritual advisor? Jim Beam? Johnnie Walker? Jack Daniels?" (3.40%)

And some also-rans:

Tim Vine – "Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out."

Alun Cochrane – "The credit crunch means over 150 estate agents a month are losing their jobs. That could make for some heavily-scented dole queues in the future."

Andy Zaltzman – "It's amazing that Silvio Berlusconi got re-elected considering he's had more scandals than a dyslexic shoe shop owner."

Edward Aczel – "Marriage is like the Middle East, there is no solution."

Andrew Maxwell – "We've all read the bible haven't we? Or at least, we've been in a hotel room with marijuana and no means to smoke it."

John Pinette – "Salad is not food. It is just a promissory note that food will soon arrive."

Josh Howie – "The Orthodox Rabbis at my Rabbinical school were very anti-homosexuality. Always going on "it's a great sin", "thou shall not waste the seed", "two shlongs don't make a kike."

Felix Dexter – "My Aunties were very devout - a bit like Catholic priests but without the buggery."

Rick Shapiro – "I'm dating now because I ran out of hooker money."

Rhod Gilbert – "I asked the shop assistant what filling I should have in the duvet. She said: 'Get down.' So I hit the f**king deck."

Josh Howie – "I saw Chris Rock in the street and approached him to tell him how much his work inspired me and changed the way I understood black culture. Turns out it wasn't him of course."

Simon Munnery – "To the Italians I say this: Rome wasn't built in a day. Perhaps it could have been if you hadn't been so busy speaking with your arms."

Arthur Smith – "A man goes to the doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor says, 'I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating.' The man says, why? The doctor says, 'Well, I'm trying to examine you'."

Roy Walker – "I got into a taxi and I could tell the cabbie was dying to know who I was. I could feel his eyes burning into my chest through the rear-view mirror."
"Allright, give us a clue," he said.
"Catchphrase," I said.
"No," he said. "Where to, you prat?"'

Ivan Brackenbury – "A drama-group leader was checking in his group into the hotel in front of me, and you know what he said? "Is the porn channel disabled?" Unbelievable, some people."

Zoe Lyons – "Being a vegetarian but eating fish is like being a pacifist but every now and then punching a small child in the face."

Shazia Mirza – "Wags stand for Wives and Girlfriends of a footballer, but as we all know you can't be a wife and a girlfriend. It should actually be called Wog. Wife Or Girlfriend of a footballer. But I understand this could have racist connotations which could take Liverpool back 5 years."

Wil Hodgson – "I don't like the C-word, but if it was done away with, there'd be nothing to call Jim Davidson."

(Taken from here and here.)